Monday, April 01, 2013

Redbridge Council adopt a Squatty Potty approach to efficiency

Our privy mole at the Town Hall informs us that Redbridge Council are to install Squatty Potties (pictured left) in the toilets in all council buildings. Apparently constipation has been a big problem at the Town Hall with staff and councillors alike spending far too long at nature’s convenience and not getting on with the job. In a leaked report consultant John Cann explains:

… that modern toilets may seem dignified but what they do to our bowels is brutal. Sitting down to poo doesn’t allow our rectum to fully relax and empty the bowel completely, and the consequence is a build-up of waste until our bowels are completely clogged.

Squatting is the natural position that our bodies are designed to be in when doing a number 2. It relaxes the puborectalis muscle to release the rectum. This prevents excessive straining and ensures that all faecal matter is completely emptied from the bowel, rather than sitting there, hardening and causing constipation. More…

Project Manager, Sue Bowles, estimates that slack time will be reduced by 50% with a resultant productivity increase of 10% and with a much happier, relaxed and lighter workforce. She also points out the additional benefit that residents will no longer be able to accuse Councillors of being “full of (word removed)”.

However, a spokesman for the local branch of the GMB, Thomas Crapper III, called it a cheek and suggested the plan should be dumped saying his members would not stand for it. He went on to say that this reeks of a major clear out at the Town Hall. But the council’s number 2, Ian Bond, hit back saying it was merely part of the ongoing drive to improve rear office efficiency and that any reduction in staff would be due to natural wastage.

7 comments:

  1. April Fool! Gottcha!

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  2. And everyone at the town hall I suppose is flushed with success.Well done, Alan!

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  3. I trust that the Council carried out a statutory six-week constipation exercise and have published the results.

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  4. the irony is that both the stories could be true.......

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  5. I think John Cann is simply taking the p**s and has no appreciation of the harder side of life.

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  6. i do however remember there being a piece on this morning programme many years ago when richard of richard and judy said that putting a full tiolet roll under each foot when sitting on the lav having a number twos works just the same.....i am smirking at the mo of the thought that some of your readers might try this......he he he

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  7. Well done Alan, you almost fooled me, mainly because the Easter weekend had made me lose track of the date.

    However, due to 'progress' and the intervention of the medical profession, we now all adopt an inappropriate positon to excrete (see your story), give birth (flat on our backs, should be crouching) and dying (flat on our backs again, should be in the foetal position).

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